why i love bloggers

because they write hilarious pieces like this. gotta give my dad a shout out on this one for sending it my way.

excerpt from Andy Borowitz’s “The Key to Happiness”:

What do you need to start your own hedge fund? Just three things:

1) a telephone
2) a desk
3) 10 billion dollars

Now, take a quick look at that list. I’ll bet you already have a telephone and a desk. That’s two out of the three things you need, meaning that you’re already more than halfway home. As for number three — the ten billion dollars — that’s almost as easy to get as a telephone or a desk. Just make a list of people with ten billion dollars to spare who might give it to you. A partial list would be: banks, investment banks, and billionaires. How will you get them to give it to you? Just tell them you’re starting a hedge fund. Everyone knows that hedge funds are awesome.

Now that you own a hedge fund, you may be wondering what hedge fund owners do. This, in fact, is the most challenging aspect of the job: explaining to other people what you do all day. Here’s your best bet: when someone asks, you say, “Investing in derivatives.” This will stop the conversation dead in its tracks, because no one will want to admit that they do not know what a derivative is. And that’s a good thing, because even though you will be investing in many, many derivatives, you will never know exactly what a derivative is, either.

Investing in derivatives, however, makes up only a small part of a hedge fund owner’s workday. Many of your waking hours will go to other chores, like bidding on Bordeaux futures and doing lines of coke off a supermodel’s thigh. But don’t let those tasks, as important as they are, distract you from your true mission as a hedge fund owner: overpaying for Manhattan real estate. The crowning achievement of my hedge fund career came the day I bought four classic sixes and combined them into a classic twenty-four. It is my fortress of solitude, my mood spa, a place for quiet contemplation and spiritual revival. I hope to visit it one day.

check out the rest at http://www.huffingtonpost.com/andy-borowitz/the-key-to-happiness_b_57611.html


2 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    lingri said,

    This sounds like a great plan Tim. I have a phone AND a desk. Once you bring in the 10B we can get started.

  2. 2

    Tim Hwang said,

    No problem!

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