The Dork and the Ivy Archives

This is a back archive of the Hwang/Chen smackdown. Lather. Rinse. Enjoy. Repeat.

Chen is currently WINNING.


ROUND 1: On the day — July 29th, 2007

Lena Chen writes the witty, baldly upfront account of her sexual exploits with Kyle in “Stray.” The account is filled with barely disguised emotion and a thrilling coming-of-age realization of somehow, wanting, to wait for a real relationship. She is incredibly afraid of loss, and contextualizes her emotion with an introspective exploration that touches on her internal hollowness, and her grasping towards hope and understanding.

Tim Hwang spent a morning driving into New York with his mom and pop to go pick up a discounted new suit at an outlet mall. The suit fits surprisingly fine and was terrifically cheap. Then, he swings by Mike’s house, where they spend an afternoon cruising around bookstores. They discuss the economics of TV media. They go to his house to watch a film. The movie: Wallace and Gromit: the Curse of the Were-Rabbit. He gets to sleep before midnight, not before giving his teeth a manly flossing.

Results: Beyond manly toothbrushing, I’ve got nothing. ROUND 1 GOES TO CHEN


ROUND 2: On this day — August 3, 2007

Lena Chen blogs affectionately about her roommate Kam and the inevitable role his homosexuality plays in maintaining their relationship in “When Cameron Met Lena.” Her account is heartwarming, touching, and not a little exuberant in the perfection of her chaste “pseudo-boyfriend”-ness. The article quietly affirms the author’s belief that hetero men are incapable of friendship with her (are pigs) and refuses the thesis that sex might not be entirely inimical to friendship.

Tim Hwang is living with his parents this summer, and as such finds his existence largely void of domestic life-affirming friendships. He will spend the day in a windowless office in downtown New York, tediously reviewing transcripts in an ongoing piece of campaign finance litigation. He will find this strangely amusing.

Result: Note — finding campaign finance amusing is grounds for disqualification.



ROUND 3 — On this day August 3, 2007

Lena Chen’s current fave commercial — Here

Tim Hwang’s current fave commercial — Here

Result: Jhoon Rhee Self-Defense beats Smirnoff any day of the week, bitches.



ROUND 4 — On this day, August 8, 2007

Lena Chen faces delays in her commute, during which she comes to the dramatic realization that New York City is diverse. It is only her vanity, excruciatingly-described designer clothes (last paragraph), and pork taco that force her away from all this self-discovery. But still, the shocking fact remains…New York City is diverse!!!

Tim Hwang faces delays in his commute, during which he realizes that he really likes Oingo Boingo. It is only the standstill traffic, low gas tank, and feeling bad about accidentially running over a squirrel the other day that he turns around and spends the day watching Six Feet Under reruns at home. But still, the shocking fact remains…Oingo Boingo is awesome!!!

Result: I had no idea that New York City was diverse, either. How did you guys know?



ROUND 5 — On this day August 11 & 13, 2007

Lena Chen turns 20. This announcement is filled with anticipation about the prospect of leaving youth behind and the celebration of a life well lived. Chen revels in the upper crust diversity of friends attending her party.

Tim Hwang turns 20 and 225/365. He is not going to any party. He is studying for LSATs.

Result: Lena Chen’s friends are pretty diverse. Did we mention that? Craaazy.



ROUND 6 on this day August 14, 2007

Lena Chen really wants the most shishipoopoo fancybag in the 50 states.

Tim Hwang really wants (swear to god) the following: a Han Shot First shirt. And one of these. And a pony.

Result: Ponies over handbags. Game. Set. Match.


ROUND 7 — on this day August 17, 2007

Lena Chen remembers that her father didn’t remember her birthday. Her prose is flowing and worldly, the voice of someone who has matured much and has come to terms with how shitty life is. You heard it here first: Lena Chen has seen it all, and, honey, you can’t trust no-one. Watch her be cynical and stuff!

Tim Hwang thinks his dad is pretty cool. He built some hot new bookshelves from scratch. Pretty flippin’ sweet!

Result: I forgot that liking your dad’s bookshelf building prowess is more passe than sporting a fannypack and a phil collins concert. Parents are stoopid: blargh blargh blargh!



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