The Dork and the Ivy
After so many months of steadfast blogging how could you not come to love the life of Lena Chen, author of Harvard’s prolific Sex and the Ivy.
But hey, we wouldn’t want to let rampant exhibitionism and public self-indulgence get out of hand, so we here at the TSIB team are proud to present The Dork and the Ivy — a heartfelt blow-by-blow continuing log of how much cooler Lena Chen’s life is than mine. Talks are in the works to produce a companion blog, The Secret Diary of Lena Chen, this fall.
May we restore some sanity to the battered self-esteems of our less sexually active colleagues.
Kthx,
The Mgmt.
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CURRENT SCORE
Tim HWANG (and sidekicks): 4
Lena CHEN: 7
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ROUND 8 — on this day August 18, 2007
Lena Chen waxes poetic about the phenomenological problems of infatuation in “Sparks.” We are treated to a long and extensive history of anonymous people she has loved. “It is nice to not have a guy to miss or pine after.” she writes, but “When they’re around, they’re a perk. But when they’re not, I have my girl.” And yeah, if you were interested, she IS sass in a glass.
Tim Hwang got puked on my his new baby niece. It was cute, in a real unsanitary kind of way. Not a week ago, he saw Weird Al live. This was also cute, in a real unsanitary kind of way. He knows all the lyrics to the 10 minute long “Albuquerque.” This is not cute.
Result: Babies are cute. Everyone loves babies. Even Lena Chen.
ROUND 8 GOES TO HWANG
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ROUND 9 — on this day August 21, 2007
Lena Chen was descending into a nicotine-rattled, alcoholic stupor in Brooklyn, forging unshakable bonds that will last a lifetime. And substance dependencies. Really, really cool substance dependencies.
At that precise moment, Tim Hwang was in the suburbs of New Jersey, being a fatty and forging his way through some Pillsbury cookies during a no-holds-barred hardcore round of Wii Tennis. He will later identify with Cera’s character in Superbad, and have a long debate about cultural relativism with Mike. This will be astoundingly entertaining.
Result: “Fuck bars,” she writes. Fuck bars indeed.
ROUND 9 GOES TO CHEN
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ROUND 10 — on this day August 27, 2007
Lena Chen writes up a schedule for her last week in the Big Apple. It is filled with dates to classy restaurants and locations, fashion adventures, and some namedropping that I totally failed to pick up on. Whoo!
Guest contender Christina Xu will be in her hometown of Dublin, Ohio for another week. Dublin is notable for being the home of Wendy’s International, the Memorial Golf Tournament, and this thing. She will spend most of her time at home, catching up on all the emailing and writing she didn’t do during the Hurricane and hanging out with her parents/cousin. Whoo!
Result: Giant ears of concrete corn are never on the team.
ROUND 10 GOES TO CHEN
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ROUND 11 — on this day August 28, 2007
Lena Chen reports on the untimely demise of her cell phone with her usual charm and sass. She’s “already missed three text messages, two phone calls, and one date” because of it. The bright side? Chen has cute toes.
Guest contender Christina Xu still has the really sweet cell phone she got after losing her first one to somebody who really needed to call Guatemala. Other than a chip in the lower right corner of the outside display screen, it’s in perfectly good condition–though if it weren’t, she probably wouldn’t miss a damn thing except her parents calling every 20 minutes. The down side? Xu has gross hippie toes.
Result: So I need a pedicure and more friends, but, um, my phone has a dragon tattooed on it. DRAGON TATTOO.
ROUND 11 GOES TO XU
This Shit Is Bananas 
Mike said,
August 21, 2007 @ 12:38 am
Dude, you have a niece? I feel so uninformed. And sanitary. Mostly sanitary.
Tim Hwang said,
August 22, 2007 @ 3:59 pm
Yeah — she pukes like a mother